Life Update.

WARNING: Super long post ahead!

Also, all pictures are unedited so forgive me if they look really bad..

I've been meaning to blog more since I got back to the States but life's been so busy that every time I get some time to myself, I'd spend it either lazing around or just sleeping. I have tried to be more consistent in trying to blog but I'd usually go as far as writing half a post down, getting distracted by something else and then forgetting about it. I do want to at least write some brief things about my memories here however.

So many things have changed ever since I came back. I honestly wasn't looking forward to coming back to San Jose but at the same time, I was excited for a fresh start after my not-so-great summer break. After boarding that flight back to San Jose though, I got just what I wanted - a fresh start. The past few months have been a rollercoaster and I'm so glad for this journey that I get to experience. I've built closer relationships with the people around me and I genuinely have found people whom I can call family. I've also grown so much as a person and I've made big life-changing decisions that I know will cause me to grow even more!

I wanted to write down some of my memories of the past few months, just so I can reflect on what happened and see just how much I've been blessed since I came back.

IV FALL KICK-OFF BONFIRE

Had our first bonfire for the semester a few days after we landed. We drove up to a beach in Santa Cruz and ate a bunch of hot dogs while we chilled around a fire pit. The bonfire was meant to be a way for us to get to know some new people who were interested in InterVarsity. It was also an opportunity to catch up and spend time with old faces again after not having seen them over the summer.

BERSIH 4.0 SF

Decided to head up to SF for the Bersih gathering with a bunch of friends. In true Malaysian fashion, the event started late. It was pretty hot and stuffy but one thing's for sure, I have never felt so patriotic as I did then. It was such an overwhelmingly great feeling to see hundreds of Malaysians gather together because of their love for their home country. Despite being so far away from home, these people still cared deeply and wanted their voices to be heard. After all the speeches were done, we Malaysians did what we did best - we  ate till our hearts were content! There were tables filled with delicious Malaysian dishes. I was so glad to be able to eat authentic Malaysian food once again! It truly did feel like I was back home in Malaysia.

SJ BACON FEST

Yup, we went to a bacon festival to satisfy Cassie's bacon-needs. It was crazy, there was a whole lot of bacon on everything! There were food trucks selling bacon cupcakes, bacon garlic fries, bacon and cheese chicken wings and even bacon ice cream and bacon chocolate chip cookies. It was all pretty innovative and we left with a very happy Cassie!

RE:MAKE FEST // SF TRIP

This festival was really cool! There were shops selling independently-made items and different kinds of food. There were also booths where you could make your own souvenirs from the festival for free! It really stimulates your creative side and it's really inspiring too. Khanh, Cassie and I made magnets, necklaces and even our own tote bag. Safe to say that we spent a few hours in there just going through every stall/booth. After we were done, we met up with Ivan for dim sum (yum!) and we then did some touristy things after.

We went to Twin Peaks and Bakers Beach after lunch. I love going to beaches and Bakers Beach was really pretty in my opinion. It had a view of the Golden Gate Bridge in the background and there were huge rocks to climb on. Also, we were lucky enough to spot dolphins swimming around in the ocean! The wind was absolutely crazy though. 

SACRAMENTO // REDDING

Khanh, Cassie, Elle and myself stayed a night in Sacramento before driving up to Redding. David's family was kind enough to host us. He took us around to some spots in Sacramento with a couple of his friends. We went to Tower Bridge, Old Soul cafe, the mural and the state capitol. It was really nice getting to see these places but really, the best part was getting to meet David's family and friends. It really showed me that the people you surround yourself with shapes you into the person you are. David's parents were nothing but kind and loving to us throughout our short stay with them. His mom greeted each of us with a hug within the first minute of us stepping into his house and it was so comforting. It made me miss Mommy Yap so much! David's mom made bibimbap for dinner and it was the best bibimbap I've had. Meeting his parents was definitely a highlight for my trip. We left early the next morning to continue on our drive up to Redding. 

Our main purpose for this trip was to visit the Bethel church in Redding. After the long drive there, we finally reached just in time for the 8am service to start. It felt pretty surreal just being there. It was quite an experience for sure. After the service was over, we left for breakfast and decided to visit the Sundial Bridge. The bridge was really pretty and the nature surrounding it was pretty spectacular too! We walked around and took plenty of pictures there before leaving for Sacramento again.

We went to Gunther's, which was a famous ice cream shop. I didn't take any pictures with my camera but I have to say, the ice cream was pretty good! After we were done, we headed to Old Sacramento. There were plenty of shops to look at in Old Sac and we took our time going into interesting stores. I liked how Old Sac was full of secluded corners that made for great photo opportunities. I definitely took advantage of that, haha. After the sun went down, we had our dinner and headed back to San Jose.

21ST BIRTHDAY SURPRISE // ASILOMAR BEACH

 

Those close to me would know that I love the beach, especially during sunsets. And those super close to me would know that my favourite ice cream flavour is rum and raisin. For my 21st, my friends decided to plan a surprise celebration up on a beach in Monterey while the sun was setting. Not only that, I got homemade rum and raisin flavoured cupcakes! It was definitely the best surprise I've ever gotten. It was really touching to know that people were willing to drive up for more than an hour just to celebrate my 21st with me. Despite not being around family on that day, I was really happy just being around those close to me. In fact, a few of them actually spent my whole birthday weekend with me. It was crazy and we didn't get much sleep but I felt so loved and I knew that I was incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. It also made me super happy that Mommy Yap remembered my 21st. She actually mailed me a necklace that she'd been keeping for me for the day I turned 21. I thought my 21st birthday was going to be sucky but man, these people went all out. Can't wait to see how they're going to top that, (;

FALL CON 2015 

Spent my Halloween weekend in the woods with a bunch of IV students from different campuses all over the Bay Area. It was my first time at Fall Con and I had a pretty good experience. Over the course of the weekend, we spent time just worshipping God and getting to know Him more. It was definitely nice to see new and old faces from previous conferences. It was also nice to get to know and spend time with people from the same campus too! There was a Halloween party the first night and Cassie and I went dressed as sushi! That was my first time legit dressing up for Halloween, haha. My highlight from Fall Con would definitely be the decision I made during one of the sessions. God was definitely present and I'm glad that He impressed upon my heart certain visions and challenges. I'm super excited and can't wait for the things that He has in store for me in the future! 

ISM SF OUTING

Our International Student Ministry small group decided to take a trip up to SF for Veterans Day. We visited a few tourist spots like Pier 39, the Golden Gate Bridge and Union Square before having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. It was a day well spent exploring SF and getting closer to one another as a small group. Unfortunately for me though, I fell sick towards the end of the night. But despite that, it was a good trip altogether. I was also blessed enough to have people care for me while I recuperated the next day. (:

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I'm currently typing this from Sacramento, where I'm spending my Thanksgiving weekend with David's family who once again, was kind enough to invite us over. As I try to document all these events that happened over the past few months, I realised how incredibly blessed I am to be able to experience all these things. I know that I wouldn't have been able to have all these opportunities if it weren't for God. He first opened the door for me to come here at the right time and He's been so faithful ever since. I'm also blessed to have really supportive parents who worked hard to give me this opportunity to study abroad as well. Lastly, I'm so happy to be surrounded by people who have shown me genuine love and care these past few months. They've been a huge blessing to me with their endless support and friendship. It's crazy to think that all of this happened within a span of about 3-4 months, and this isn't even everything! 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

Love, Ainsley.

When Home Doesn't Feel As Sweet As It Should.

Enter key here.

Home(?)

Been back home for about a month plus now and I have to say, it's not quite what I expected. Whilst counting down the days till I got back, I felt a surge of excitement in me. I couldn't wait to be back with family and friends, to have glorious food and to sleep in the all-too-familiar comforts of my own bed. Few weeks on however, I discovered that things are totally different from what I expected them to be.

For one, I haven't been spending much time with family or friends. I could blame it on the internship I took up, but I also know that it's because things have changed in the 10 months that I've been gone. In a way, it somehow feels like nothing's changed back home. I mean, I feel like I've grown so much in the time that I was gone, but I come back and I see that people are still the same.  On the other hand though, it also feels like everyone has moved on without me. I no longer feel a complete sense of familiarity or belonging to the people around me. Distance definitely changes things. And it's hard to keep up with everyone due to the time difference. 

When I thought about how life would be when I came back, I imagined that I'd be busy trying to catch up and spend time with the people I cared about. That, however, hasn't been happening at all. In fact, it gets really lonely at times. I had a few weeks of freedom before I started my internship and I was so bored out of my mind. I was cooped up in my room most of the time. I'd occasionally see the light of day if I was really required to head out. But all in all, I could count on one hand the amount of people that I met up with. It was sad. 

I sometimes look back at life before I left and I have to say, I miss it. Things are so different now. It's amazing how so much can change in just 10 months. It really makes you appreciate time and living in the moment that much more. 

I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be but despite how I feel about being home, I know that I'm not ready to leave once again either. The thought of having to go back to San Jose scares me a little. In fact, it sometimes makes me really nervous that I feel nauseous. Although I can't wait for my internship to end, I also know that once it does, I'd be having to count down the days till it's time for me to fly off again. 

Don't get me wrong, San Jose isn't all too bad. I know that God put me there for a reason, and I'm slowly starting to see it unfold right before my eyes! But I also wished that I was back home doing life with the people I cared about the most. Some days are alright. But then there are days, occasions where I wished that I was back home to spend with friends and family. On those days, the feeling of being homesick becomes so overbearing that I can't help but to want to stay in bed, curl up in a ball, and not have to face the world. 

I'm hoping that the next two years would pass by quickly. As weird as it is, I'm really looking forward to coming home for good. It's not ideal, but Malaysia is and always will be home. In the mean time, however, I'm also looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me in the States. It's always an exciting journey walking with Him! I could get deeper into this but that'll be for another day! (:

Love, Ainsley.

Nothing but the Blood of Jesus.

What can wash away my sins? 

Nothing but the blood of Jesus. 

What can make me whole again? 

Nothing but the blood of Jesus. 

I grew up in church and heard the story of how Christ died for me on the cross so many times that I've become numb to it. To be honest, when Easter rolled around every year, I wouldn't give it much thought or even really felt much about it. Sure I'd feel a tug or two in my heart every now and then, but that was it. Nothing more. 

It's now that time of the year again, Easter weekend. I spent my Good Friday evening in church with some friends. Before going to church, I wasn't expecting anything. I was merely going to church because it felt like it was the right thing to do. A few hours before, I even had the thought of skipping out on the service because I wasn't feeling well. I'm glad I didn't though.

The minute I stepped into church, the whole atmosphere changed. I was a little confused at first because I wasn't accustomed to the traditions that this church had. They had what was called a Tenebrae service, where we would reflect on the story of Jesus' crucifixion as it was being read out. There were 8 candles lighted up, each symbolising a different point in the story. The candles would be extinguished one at a time as the service progressed through to symbolise the darkness that was approaching as we got closer to Jesus' death. 

Going through this activity forced me to really ponder and reflect on what Christ did for me on that cross. I was in tears at the end of it all. So many questions went through my mind. Why me? Who am I to deserve such love? Who am I to deserve such grace and forgiveness after all the rotten things that I've done? No words can express how thankful I am for what He did on the cross for me. I'm proud to say that I follow such a loving and forgiving God. No matter how much I mess up, I know that I can come back to Him who is willing to forgive me and is waiting for me with open arms. 

I've been going through some things recently and after reflecting during service, I feel reassured knowing that I have a God who forgives me and still loves me. I am free and I can move on knowing that I am forgiven. It's because of His blood that I am saved and clean once again. I can try to look for things in this world that would satisfy me, that would make me feel better but at the end of the day, these solutions are only temporary. It is only through Him that I am made complete. 

It is finished. 

Love, Ainsley.