It's my second Chinese New Year away from home. You would think that I'd be used to the lack of CNY festivities after having gone through it once before but, it's actually harder this time around.
Being away from family during any holiday season or celebration has been pretty tough for me. Whilst studying abroad, I realised that it's usually around these periods that I feel homesick the most. It just doesn't feel right when I'm not spending time with my parents and brothers.
My family has always been big on celebrating birthdays or even holidays like Christmas or CNY. Seeing as how my brothers and I are all grown up now and have our own busy schedules, celebrations and holidays like these are usually opportunities for us to gather together as a family. And this is what I miss the most! Other than the amazing food, I miss being with my family.
After having been away for yet another year, I realised that CNY holds a much deeper meaning to me now.
CNY is about so much more than collecting ang paos - it's about family and traditions.
I always did know that this was what CNY was about but, it was not until I came overseas that I really understood it for myself and appreciated it. I mean, I grew up receiving ang paos from my parents and relatives every year. It was something that I'd look forward to because that was extra money that I could spend! This year, however, I realised that more than anything, I missed my family and our CNY routines terribly. That's when it hit me! CNY was about something much more important - it was about family and traditions.
Although it's been the same routine for my family every year, the Yap CNY traditions is what makes CNY feel like CNY to me.
To me, CNY isn't CNY without the annual tradition of cleaning up the whole house as a family in the days leading up to it. It isn't CNY without our annual MidValley shopping trip. It isn't CNY without the vegetarian breakfast, the go hoon, the Kajang satay or my mom's mee sua. It isn't CNY without the lychee and chrysanthemum packet drinks. It isn't CNY without our coffee table being filled with all kinds of different biscuits and snacks. It isn't CNY without all the house visiting and rare clear KL roads. Most of all, it especially isn't CNY without time spent with family.
It's disappointing to know that I'll have to miss yet another CNY next year. It definitely won't be easy to have to see pictures and videos of friends getting to spend time with their families on social media but, I know that it'll only be a matter of time til I'll be reunited with my family once again.
I would first like to thank those who supported me on my journey in getting to Urbana15. As you may or may not know, Urbana was held in St. Louis, Missouri - that's about 2,000 miles away from San Jose, which meant that I had to get on a flight to get to St. Louis. Not only that, because I signed up for the International Track, I had to stay in a specific hotel where most of the track events were held at. Lastly, I of course had to pay for the conference fees. When all of these costs were added up, it felt nearly impossible for me to be able to afford such an amount as an international student but I trusted that God would provide and He did! Together with your financial contributions, prayers, and a scholarship, I was able to make it to Urbana without having to worry about how I was going to afford it.
So, what is Urbana? Urbana is a missions conference organised by InterVarsity. It only happens once every three years and is catered mostly for college students. Held over a period of five days, Urbana is a unique opportunity for 16,000 students to come together and discover how our gifts, dreams and calling meets God's global mission. I wanted to go to Urbana because I felt that not only was it a unique experience, it could very well be my once in a lifetime opportunity to attend this conference as well. I mean, at this point in time, I'm not sure where I will be after I graduate. My other reason for wanting to go to Urbana was because I also wanted to see what it was that God had to speak to me as I learnt more about His call for the rest of my life in my relationships, in my future workplace, as well as in missions around the world.
Prior to Urbana, I had a few expectations. As someone who has a heart for worship, I was very excited to have a musical worship experience with 16,000 other people. Just the thought of hearing 16,000 voices sing in unison unto one God put a huge smile on my face. Another thing that I was expecting was to know what God was calling me towards for my future. Personally, I'm someone who is passionate about different things and I'm also serving in multiple areas. So, I was hoping that God would be able to give me a definite answer as to where He was calling me to specifically. Also, I was hoping that He'd make it clear to me if He intends for me to stay here in America after I graduate, or whether He is calling me back to Malaysia.
Honestly, my questions weren't answered. In fact, I actually felt more confused at the end of the conference. I remember desperately needing to speak to my staff leader on the last day of the conference because I felt so lost and frustrated. I wasn't getting answers to any of the questions that I had! As I'm writing this, a few weeks have passed since Urbana and now that I've had time to process things, I realised that I'm actually at peace with not getting the answers to the questions that I had. In fact, I'm kind of glad that God didn't give me the answers. Why? For one, I know that God will reveal His plans for my life when the time is right. I love this quote that someone shared with me during our last country prayer night, "The Lord is seldom early but never late." It comforts me and reminds me of how in the past, God made things fall into place according to His timing. Another reason why I'm at peace, is because I believe that God still wants me to grow in these different passions and areas that I'm involved in. By trying to figure out where my specific area of calling is, not only am I limiting God and the gifts that He has given me, but I'm also limiting myself from being fully used by God.
Aside from that frustration, I had an amazing time at the conference. Other than being able to experience this with friends from my campus' IV chapter, I also got to meet other Malaysians at the conference through the country prayer groups! There were about 15 of us that gathered every night to process through the day and to pray with one another. It felt so comforting just being able to meet people from back home who understood my Malaysian references! More than that, I felt a sense of togetherness and complete love for our country as we talked about and prayed for the different issues that were going on back home.
It would be hard for me to share every single thing that I experienced and learnt at Urbana with you through this blogpost. However, here are a few of my top moments and things that I learnt at Urbana15!
1. Singing Good Good Father with 16,000 people.
As I said, worship was something that I was really looking forward to at Urbana. The moment the worship session started, the atmosphere changed and you could just tell that God was moving so strongly. I myself felt deeply moved. But, it wasn't until we sang Good Good Father that I was a complete wreck.
During worship, I had a deep revelation that hit me as we sang the line, "I'm never alone." I realised that not only was God saying that I'm never alone because He is with me always, but I'm also never alone because He has surrounded me with such a loving community that is on this same journey with me as well! I mean, 16,000 of us gathered at Urbana because we all had the same purpose - to pursue God and His calling for us. It was in that moment that I felt a sense of unity with not only my own friends and other Urbana participants, but with the larger global church as well. We're all a part of His family and we're all in this journey together!
2. Worshiping in different languages with 16,000 people.
I loved how the Urbana worship team made sure that worship was a cultural experience for everyone. What do I mean by that? Well, we sang songs in different languages and we worshiped in different cultural styles as well. From songs in Korean, to Arabic, and even Hawaiian Pidgin, we were constantly being invited into a different culture's story throughout the conference.
It's one thing to worship with 16,000 people but it's another thing to worship with 16,000 people in a completely different language that most of us did not understand. Seriously, I didn't know what I was singing, and I'm pretty sure that most of the other Urbana participants didn't either, but that didn't stop us from going all-out and immersing ourselves in a different culture as we worshipped the same God. It was such a beautiful experience. Again, the idea of unity under God's name was so apparent for me during these cultural worship moments. We may all come from different cultural backgrounds but the one thing in common that we all share is the fact that we are all singing and worshiping ONE GOD. How amazing is that?! 3. Awareness of the injustices that are going on around the world.
Seeing as this was a missions conference, there were many speakers who spoke about different issues that were going on around the world. Topics like Black Lives Matter and the persecuted churches around the world were brought to light during this conference.
In all honesty, I'll admit that prior to Urbana, I've always turned a blind-eye towards the injustices that were going on around me. Sure, I'd see countless articles about racial issues on my newsfeed. I'd also see many hashtags that were meant to bring awareness and support for these issues but I never actually went deeper into them to find out more. I never really showed my support or compassion for these people. It's almost as if I deliberately chose to be oblivious to the things that were happening because I felt like there was nothing that I could do. Urbana changed that though. I realised that it was important to address these issues. Not only that, I could play my part by simply praying for these brothers and sisters of mine who were facing persecution for their faith.
4. My Story, My Role - I am an ambassador of my country and God can use me WITH my cultural differences.
As a part of the international track, we had several track sessions where the speakers would share on topics that we, the international students, could relate to. Ate Lisa's sermon was one that really stood out to me.
Ate Lisa was originally from the Philippines and was an international student herself, so she really loves to work with international students and understands us. My takeaway from her sermon titled "Your Story, Your Role," was this - despite being from a different background and culture, I am capable of using my differences to teach and challenge those of different backgrounds from my own. Instead of immersing myself fully in the American culture, I can actually use my differences to bring something different to the table. This is why I shouldn't lose myself while studying overseas because I AM AN AMBASSADOR OF MY COUNTRY.
5. Women are capable of going out into the missions field.
I attended a seminar entitled "Women in World Missions" during the conference. I'm not quite sure why I felt compelled to attend that seminar but I'm glad that I did even though I had to walk through the rain just to get to the hotel it was held in.
The speaker's goal for this seminar was to name 50 women who have gone out into the missions field. Why? It's because oftentimes, we don't really hear of many women in the missions field. Yes, there have been women who have gone out into the missions field but unfortunately, they've been subjected to patriarchy. My takeaway from this seminar was the realisation that I, as a woman, am also empowered by God to go out into the missions field. I am entrusted with the gospel and I am capable of sharing that gospel with those around me. I am not subjected to the ways of society that lessens women against men but instead, I am chosen by God because He can use anyone who is willing.
6. The way that I dress sends out a message.
Another seminar that I attended during the conference was entitled "Leading like Jesus: The Intersection of Embodied Service and Power." This seminar was lead by MaryKate Morse who spoke about how we are image bearers of the Trinity and how wherever we go, we bear the image of God and His likeness. We should appreciate the authority in our body and pay attention to how we take care of our own body for God's kingdom.
Although she didn't mention this, I felt convicted to think about the way that I dressed. I already knew that the clothes that I wear on my body sends out a message to those around me. Despite this knowledge, however, I never really thought much about it. But MaryKate's constant repetition of our bodies being used as a means for God's mission caused me to question myself. Does the way that I dress glorify God? Does it cause others to stumble? As a women, this is really something to think about seeing as all the trends these days involve crop tops and super short shorts!
In conclusion, Urbana15 was truly an amazing experience for me. It was a great end to my 2015 and it was definitely an experience getting to usher in 2016 by praising Jesus and proclaiming "Yes Lord!" with a crazy bunch of Jesus-lovers! If anything, Urbana reaffirmed my commitment to doing God's Will as He spoke to me and revealed many things through the many worship sessions, sermons and seminars. Once again, I would like to thank those who supported me in getting to Urbana - be it through your contribution to my funds or even through prayer. I'm just very thankful for having gotten the opportunity to attend this conference!
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P.S. I attempted to log at Urbana but gave up halfway. I was tired and it was hard to do so while trying to process everything. I did, however, get some pieces of footage and put it together into one video. Enjoy!
Also, all pictures are unedited so forgive me if they look really bad..
I've been meaning to blog more since I got back to the States but life's been so busy that every time I get some time to myself, I'd spend it either lazing around or just sleeping. I have tried to be more consistent in trying to blog but I'd usually go as far as writing half a post down, getting distracted by something else and then forgetting about it. I do want to at least write some brief things about my memories here however.
So many things have changed ever since I came back. I honestly wasn't looking forward to coming back to San Jose but at the same time, I was excited for a fresh start after my not-so-great summer break. After boarding that flight back to San Jose though, I got just what I wanted - a fresh start. The past few months have been a rollercoaster and I'm so glad for this journey that I get to experience. I've built closer relationships with the people around me and I genuinely have found people whom I can call family. I've also grown so much as a person and I've made big life-changing decisions that I know will cause me to grow even more!
I wanted to write down some of my memories of the past few months, just so I can reflect on what happened and see just how much I've been blessed since I came back.
IV FALL KICK-OFF BONFIRE
Had our first bonfire for the semester a few days after we landed. We drove up to a beach in Santa Cruz and ate a bunch of hot dogs while we chilled around a fire pit. The bonfire was meant to be a way for us to get to know some new people who were interested in InterVarsity. It was also an opportunity to catch up and spend time with old faces again after not having seen them over the summer.
BERSIH 4.0 SF
Decided to head up to SF for the Bersih gathering with a bunch of friends. In true Malaysian fashion, the event started late. It was pretty hot and stuffy but one thing's for sure, I have never felt so patriotic as I did then. It was such an overwhelmingly great feeling to see hundreds of Malaysians gather together because of their love for their home country. Despite being so far away from home, these people still cared deeply and wanted their voices to be heard. After all the speeches were done, we Malaysians did what we did best - we ate till our hearts were content! There were tables filled with delicious Malaysian dishes. I was so glad to be able to eat authentic Malaysian food once again! It truly did feel like I was back home in Malaysia.
SJ BACON FEST
Yup, we went to a bacon festival to satisfy Cassie's bacon-needs. It was crazy, there was a whole lot of bacon on everything! There were food trucks selling bacon cupcakes, bacon garlic fries, bacon and cheese chicken wings and even bacon ice cream and bacon chocolate chip cookies. It was all pretty innovative and we left with a very happy Cassie!
RE:MAKE FEST // SF TRIP
This festival was really cool! There were shops selling independently-made items and different kinds of food. There were also booths where you could make your own souvenirs from the festival for free! It really stimulates your creative side and it's really inspiring too. Khanh, Cassie and I made magnets, necklaces and even our own tote bag. Safe to say that we spent a few hours in there just going through every stall/booth. After we were done, we met up with Ivan for dim sum (yum!) and we then did some touristy things after.
We went to Twin Peaks and Bakers Beach after lunch. I love going to beaches and Bakers Beach was really pretty in my opinion. It had a view of the Golden Gate Bridge in the background and there were huge rocks to climb on. Also, we were lucky enough to spot dolphins swimming around in the ocean! The wind was absolutely crazy though.
SACRAMENTO // REDDING
Khanh, Cassie, Elle and myself stayed a night in Sacramento before driving up to Redding. David's family was kind enough to host us. He took us around to some spots in Sacramento with a couple of his friends. We went to Tower Bridge, Old Soul cafe, the mural and the state capitol. It was really nice getting to see these places but really, the best part was getting to meet David's family and friends. It really showed me that the people you surround yourself with shapes you into the person you are. David's parents were nothing but kind and loving to us throughout our short stay with them. His mom greeted each of us with a hug within the first minute of us stepping into his house and it was so comforting. It made me miss Mommy Yap so much! David's mom made bibimbap for dinner and it was the best bibimbap I've had. Meeting his parents was definitely a highlight for my trip. We left early the next morning to continue on our drive up to Redding.
Our main purpose for this trip was to visit the Bethel church in Redding. After the long drive there, we finally reached just in time for the 8am service to start. It felt pretty surreal just being there. It was quite an experience for sure. After the service was over, we left for breakfast and decided to visit the Sundial Bridge. The bridge was really pretty and the nature surrounding it was pretty spectacular too! We walked around and took plenty of pictures there before leaving for Sacramento again.
We went to Gunther's, which was a famous ice cream shop. I didn't take any pictures with my camera but I have to say, the ice cream was pretty good! After we were done, we headed to Old Sacramento. There were plenty of shops to look at in Old Sac and we took our time going into interesting stores. I liked how Old Sac was full of secluded corners that made for great photo opportunities. I definitely took advantage of that, haha. After the sun went down, we had our dinner and headed back to San Jose.
21ST BIRTHDAY SURPRISE // ASILOMAR BEACH
Those close to me would know that I love the beach, especially during sunsets. And those super close to me would know that my favourite ice cream flavour is rum and raisin. For my 21st, my friends decided to plan a surprise celebration up on a beach in Monterey while the sun was setting. Not only that, I got homemade rum and raisin flavoured cupcakes! It was definitely the best surprise I've ever gotten. It was really touching to know that people were willing to drive up for more than an hour just to celebrate my 21st with me. Despite not being around family on that day, I was really happy just being around those close to me. In fact, a few of them actually spent my whole birthday weekend with me. It was crazy and we didn't get much sleep but I felt so loved and I knew that I was incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. It also made me super happy that Mommy Yap remembered my 21st. She actually mailed me a necklace that she'd been keeping for me for the day I turned 21. I thought my 21st birthday was going to be sucky but man, these people went all out. Can't wait to see how they're going to top that, (;
FALL CON 2015
Spent my Halloween weekend in the woods with a bunch of IV students from different campuses all over the Bay Area. It was my first time at Fall Con and I had a pretty good experience. Over the course of the weekend, we spent time just worshipping God and getting to know Him more. It was definitely nice to see new and old faces from previous conferences. It was also nice to get to know and spend time with people from the same campus too! There was a Halloween party the first night and Cassie and I went dressed as sushi! That was my first time legit dressing up for Halloween, haha. My highlight from Fall Con would definitely be the decision I made during one of the sessions. God was definitely present and I'm glad that He impressed upon my heart certain visions and challenges. I'm super excited and can't wait for the things that He has in store for me in the future!
ISM SF OUTING
Our International Student Ministry small group decided to take a trip up to SF for Veterans Day. We visited a few tourist spots like Pier 39, the Golden Gate Bridge and Union Square before having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. It was a day well spent exploring SF and getting closer to one another as a small group. Unfortunately for me though, I fell sick towards the end of the night. But despite that, it was a good trip altogether. I was also blessed enough to have people care for me while I recuperated the next day. (:
I'm currently typing this from Sacramento, where I'm spending my Thanksgiving weekend with David's family who once again, was kind enough to invite us over. As I try to document all these events that happened over the past few months, I realised how incredibly blessed I am to be able to experience all these things. I know that I wouldn't have been able to have all these opportunities if it weren't for God. He first opened the door for me to come here at the right time and He's been so faithful ever since. I'm also blessed to have really supportive parents who worked hard to give me this opportunity to study abroad as well. Lastly, I'm so happy to be surrounded by people who have shown me genuine love and care these past few months. They've been a huge blessing to me with their endless support and friendship. It's crazy to think that all of this happened within a span of about 3-4 months, and this isn't even everything!
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
