Tuesday, July 7, 2015


Been back home for about a month plus now and I have to say, it's not quite what I expected. Whilst counting down the days till I got back, I felt a surge of excitement in me. I couldn't wait to be back with family and friends, to have glorious food and to sleep in the all-too-familiar comforts of my own bed. Few weeks on however, I discovered that things are totally different from what I expected them to be.

For one, I haven't been spending much time with family or friends. I could blame it on the internship I took up, but I also know that it's because things have changed in the 10 months that I've been gone. In a way, it somehow feels like nothing's changed back home. I mean, I feel like I've grown so much in the time that I was gone, but I come back and I see that people are still the same.  On the other hand though, it also feels like everyone has moved on without me. I no longer feel a complete sense of familiarity or belonging to the people around me. Distance definitely changes things. And it's hard to keep up with everyone due to the time difference. 

When I thought about how life would be when I came back, I imagined that I'd be busy trying to catch up and spend time with the people I cared about. That, however, hasn't been happening at all. In fact, it gets really lonely at times. I had a few weeks of freedom before I started my internship and I was so bored out of my mind. I was cooped up in my room most of the time. I'd occasionally see the light of day if I was really required to head out. But all in all, I could count on one hand the amount of people that I met up with. It was sad. 

I sometimes look back at life before I left and I have to say, I miss it. Things are so different now. It's amazing how so much can change in just 10 months. It really makes you appreciate time and living in the moment that much more. 

I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be but despite how I feel about being home, I know that I'm not ready to leave once again either. The thought of having to go back to San Jose scares me a little. In fact, it sometimes makes me really nervous that I feel nauseous. Although I can't wait for my internship to end, I also know that once it does, I'd be having to count down the days till it's time for me to fly off again. 

Don't get me wrong, San Jose isn't all too bad. I know that God put me there for a reason, and I'm slowly starting to see it unfold right before my eyes! But I also wished that I was back home doing life with the people I cared about the most. Some days are alright. But then there are days, occasions where I wished that I was back home to spend with friends and family. On those days, the feeling of being homesick becomes so overbearing that I can't help but to want to stay in bed, curl up in a ball, and not have to face the world. 

I'm hoping that the next two years would pass by quickly. As weird as it is, I'm really looking forward to coming home for good. It's not ideal, but Malaysia is and always will be home. In the mean time, however, I'm also looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me in the States. It's always an exciting journey walking with Him! I could get deeper into this but that'll be for another day! (:

Love, Ainsley.