When Home Doesn't Feel As Sweet As It Should.

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Home(?)

Been back home for about a month plus now and I have to say, it's not quite what I expected. Whilst counting down the days till I got back, I felt a surge of excitement in me. I couldn't wait to be back with family and friends, to have glorious food and to sleep in the all-too-familiar comforts of my own bed. Few weeks on however, I discovered that things are totally different from what I expected them to be.

For one, I haven't been spending much time with family or friends. I could blame it on the internship I took up, but I also know that it's because things have changed in the 10 months that I've been gone. In a way, it somehow feels like nothing's changed back home. I mean, I feel like I've grown so much in the time that I was gone, but I come back and I see that people are still the same.  On the other hand though, it also feels like everyone has moved on without me. I no longer feel a complete sense of familiarity or belonging to the people around me. Distance definitely changes things. And it's hard to keep up with everyone due to the time difference. 

When I thought about how life would be when I came back, I imagined that I'd be busy trying to catch up and spend time with the people I cared about. That, however, hasn't been happening at all. In fact, it gets really lonely at times. I had a few weeks of freedom before I started my internship and I was so bored out of my mind. I was cooped up in my room most of the time. I'd occasionally see the light of day if I was really required to head out. But all in all, I could count on one hand the amount of people that I met up with. It was sad. 

I sometimes look back at life before I left and I have to say, I miss it. Things are so different now. It's amazing how so much can change in just 10 months. It really makes you appreciate time and living in the moment that much more. 

I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be but despite how I feel about being home, I know that I'm not ready to leave once again either. The thought of having to go back to San Jose scares me a little. In fact, it sometimes makes me really nervous that I feel nauseous. Although I can't wait for my internship to end, I also know that once it does, I'd be having to count down the days till it's time for me to fly off again. 

Don't get me wrong, San Jose isn't all too bad. I know that God put me there for a reason, and I'm slowly starting to see it unfold right before my eyes! But I also wished that I was back home doing life with the people I cared about the most. Some days are alright. But then there are days, occasions where I wished that I was back home to spend with friends and family. On those days, the feeling of being homesick becomes so overbearing that I can't help but to want to stay in bed, curl up in a ball, and not have to face the world. 

I'm hoping that the next two years would pass by quickly. As weird as it is, I'm really looking forward to coming home for good. It's not ideal, but Malaysia is and always will be home. In the mean time, however, I'm also looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me in the States. It's always an exciting journey walking with Him! I could get deeper into this but that'll be for another day! (:

Love, Ainsley.

Nothing but the Blood of Jesus.

What can wash away my sins? 

Nothing but the blood of Jesus. 

What can make me whole again? 

Nothing but the blood of Jesus. 

I grew up in church and heard the story of how Christ died for me on the cross so many times that I've become numb to it. To be honest, when Easter rolled around every year, I wouldn't give it much thought or even really felt much about it. Sure I'd feel a tug or two in my heart every now and then, but that was it. Nothing more. 

It's now that time of the year again, Easter weekend. I spent my Good Friday evening in church with some friends. Before going to church, I wasn't expecting anything. I was merely going to church because it felt like it was the right thing to do. A few hours before, I even had the thought of skipping out on the service because I wasn't feeling well. I'm glad I didn't though.

The minute I stepped into church, the whole atmosphere changed. I was a little confused at first because I wasn't accustomed to the traditions that this church had. They had what was called a Tenebrae service, where we would reflect on the story of Jesus' crucifixion as it was being read out. There were 8 candles lighted up, each symbolising a different point in the story. The candles would be extinguished one at a time as the service progressed through to symbolise the darkness that was approaching as we got closer to Jesus' death. 

Going through this activity forced me to really ponder and reflect on what Christ did for me on that cross. I was in tears at the end of it all. So many questions went through my mind. Why me? Who am I to deserve such love? Who am I to deserve such grace and forgiveness after all the rotten things that I've done? No words can express how thankful I am for what He did on the cross for me. I'm proud to say that I follow such a loving and forgiving God. No matter how much I mess up, I know that I can come back to Him who is willing to forgive me and is waiting for me with open arms. 

I've been going through some things recently and after reflecting during service, I feel reassured knowing that I have a God who forgives me and still loves me. I am free and I can move on knowing that I am forgiven. It's because of His blood that I am saved and clean once again. I can try to look for things in this world that would satisfy me, that would make me feel better but at the end of the day, these solutions are only temporary. It is only through Him that I am made complete. 

It is finished. 

Love, Ainsley.

Hiking Up Eagle Rock.

I've been wanting to give blogging a try again recently but never actually got to it since I've been busy with classes and such. Now that spring break is here, I finally have the time to get down to it! I felt that I wanted to blog so I wouldn't forget my experiences studying overseas. I wanted to share my experiences with anyone who was interested too! Almost a year has gone past since I left home and I've had so many experiences since then that I never actually had time to journal down but, better late than never, right?

I went hiking for the first time since I've been here on the first day of spring break. A friend, Daren, brought Cassie and I to Eagle Rock, a hiking trail overlooking San Jose and Milpitas. As someone who is totally unfit to do these things, I was expecting the worst. But, the hike turned out to be fairly easy! I was told that it was a super easy hike compared to the other trails here anyway. The view overlooking the city was quite rewarding too despite the dust clouds. 

At the very top of the trail was a huge rock that you could climb on. I was told that there was an eagle's nest below the rock - hence, the name. I'm not going to lie, it was terrifying standing a top the rock. I thought I was going to die if I took one wrong step and fell! But, I survived. (: I would totally be up to hiking here again. It didn't even take us long to get to the top, it only took us less than two hours to hike up and down the trail!

 

   

Til the next adventure, keep wandering. 

Love, Ainsley.