Goodbye, For Now.

My month back home is coming to an end. Come tomorrow morning, it'll be time for me to board the (slightly) dreaded 7am plane ride back to San Jose once again.

Where did the time go? It feels like just yesterday, I was giddily boarding the plane back to Kuala Lumpur from SFO. My parents had no clue that I was coming home for a bit and I was really excited to surprise them! 

I wish that I would've had more time to spend with friends and family. Although, I must say, I'm really happy that I got to use my time wisely by meeting up with those who really matter me. As someone who's love language is quality time (and words of affirmation, incase you were wondering), I felt so loved every time someone was willing to have a meal or just hang with me.

This past month has been amazing. New memories were made in places that once held somewhat bitter memories. I also got to eat all the good food that I missed with the people that I missed the most. Not only that, I also got to experience life back home once again. 

There are several things that I'm grateful for this past month - starting with Daddy Yap's willingness to skip golf to spend time with me. Not only that, he finally trusted me with his babycar (although he did almost get a heart attack every time I tried to park it). I'm also grateful towards Mommy Yap for lending her car to me whenever I needed it, and for also constantly trying to make my favourite foods while I'm back here. I love the both of you sooooo much! (:

Of course, with good times comes bad times too. They were, however, pretty minute, so they're not really worth a mention. But overall, I'm glad that I made the decision to come home, even if it was just for a little bit. This summer back home was so different compared to last summer. I'm actually finding it very hard to leave this time around!

Malaysia, I'll miss you and all that you have to offer. Keep my loved ones safe and I'll see you in a year, <3

Love, Ainsley.

Finding My Identity - Part 1 // Why I Took A Break From Instagram.

A few months ago, shortly after I turned 21 in October, I went through a period of confusion and uncertainty. I wrote this post in December and although I was getting small revelations here and there, I was still suffering from a lot of self-doubt and was really insecure about myself. To put it simply, I struggled with my identity. And I struggled with it for a while. I knew that it was something that I needed to address because it wasn't helping me grow in any way. It took some time, but I'm at a place now where I can safely say that I feel more secure about myself and I know who my identity is rooted in.

As I reflect back, I can see how God played His role in this transformation that took place. I can point out a few significant moments that got me to where I am today. Starting with this - my decision to take a break from Instagram.

I know it may sound a little silly but, I decided to take a break from Instagram towards the end of last October. When I first decided to take a break from it, I didn't know how long the break was going to last for. All I knew was that I was getting addicted to it and that it wasn't healthy for me for several reasons.

Firstly, I was trying to find worth in the amount of likes that I had gotten. I don't know how or why, but it suddenly became a competition to get an xx amount of likes on my pictures. I'd spend a lot of time trying to edit my pictures so that they would look Instagram-worthy. Not only that, I would often sit and spend as much as fifteen minutes to half an hour just trying to come up with a caption that would be able to summarise what I wanted to convey without making me sound stupid. I kid you not, I would read and reread my caption several times to make sure that there were no grammatical errors and that what I said made sense. I overthought it and suddenly, what was supposed to be a fun thing for me to share my moments with others, became something that I had based my worth in.

Another reason why I took a break was because I was stuck in a comparison trap. I was comparing myself to everyone else. Like I said, I was insecure about myself. I would often look at other peoples lives and wonder why I couldn't have that. Or why couldn't I look like so and so? I was caught in this trap and I always felt that I came up short as compared to everyone else. In a way, I was trying to live through someone else's Instagram feed instead of feeling blessed with what was right in front of my eyes. Instagram was supposed to help me share my experiences with others and to also feel connected with my friends as I got to see their experiences. But somehow, it made me feel more insecure about myself.

Like I said, I didn't know how long I was going to take a break for when I first did it. I just deactivated my account and deleted the app off my phone. It wasn't until a week later, when I had tried to reactivate my account and found that Instagram had a bug and deleted it, that I realised how addicted I was to Instagram. I panicked in that moment. I thought that I had lost my account forever and tried so hard for two days to get my account back. When I finally got control of my account again, I saw just how much this social media platform had its grip on me. That's when I decided that I wasn't going to go on it again until I had overcome these issues. (I also learnt my lesson and just deleted the app off my phone, leaving my account the way it is.)

Today, I decided that I am ready to get back on Instagram. I know it isn't a big deal to others. I mean, who even cares that I took a break in the first place right? But to me, going back to Instagram kinda signifies my "recovery" and how far I've come as compared to the state of mind that I was in a few months ago. I'm in a much better state now for several reasons (which I will continue in Part 2) so, I feel like I'm ready again.

My break from Instagram has brought me good. It made me realise that there was no point in me comparing myself to what others posted because I was simply comparing my whole life to what I saw on the surface. Just like how I was only posting the highlights of my life up for people to see, other people were simply sharing the highlights of their life too. Again, just like how the things that I post up do not reflect the whole picture of what's going on in my life, what someone posts online doesn't reflect the whole picture of what's going on in their life too.

I feel like I now have a clear mind. Going back to Instagram, I want to do so because I want to share my pictures and my experiences with others. It's my creative outlet so I shouldn't have to bother about what others would think. It isn't a competition and my worth isn't in the amount of likes that I get. Sure, it's nice to be acknowledged for something that you share with others but it doesn't define who I am. I'm actively reminding myself not to fall into the comparison trap again because I know that God created me to be the way that I am for a reason.

I know that it's easy to fall into the comparison trap but, imagine how much more happier we would be if we remained grateful for the things that we did have.

Love, Ainsley. 

The Deeper Meaning of CNY.

The Yap Family, CNY 2014. (Yes, we're all sepet.)

It's my second Chinese New Year away from home. You would think that I'd be used to the lack of CNY festivities after having gone through it once before but, it's actually harder this time around.

Being away from family during any holiday season or celebration has been pretty tough for me. Whilst studying abroad, I realised that it's usually around these periods that I feel homesick the most. It just doesn't feel right when I'm not spending time with my parents and brothers.

My family has always been big on celebrating birthdays or even holidays like Christmas or CNY. Seeing as how my brothers and I are all grown up now and have our own busy schedules, celebrations and holidays like these are usually opportunities for us to gather together as a family. And this is what I miss the most! Other than the amazing food, I miss being with my family.

After having been away for yet another year, I realised that CNY holds a much deeper meaning to me now.

CNY is about so much more than collecting ang paos - it's about family and traditions.

I always did know that this was what CNY was about but, it was not until I came overseas that I really understood it for myself and appreciated it. I mean, I grew up receiving ang paos from my parents and relatives every year. It was something that I'd look forward to because that was extra money that I could spend! This year, however, I realised that more than anything, I missed my family and our CNY routines terribly. That's when it hit me! CNY was about something much more important - it was about family and traditions.

Although it's been the same routine for my family every year, the Yap CNY traditions is what makes CNY feel like CNY to me.

To me, CNY isn't CNY without the annual tradition of cleaning up the whole house as a family in the days leading up to it. It isn't CNY without our annual MidValley shopping trip. It isn't CNY without the vegetarian breakfast, the go hoon, the Kajang satay or my mom's mee sua. It isn't CNY without the lychee and chrysanthemum packet drinks. It isn't CNY without our coffee table being filled with all kinds of different biscuits and snacks. It isn't CNY without all the house visiting and rare clear KL roads. Most of all, it especially isn't CNY without time spent with family.

It's disappointing to know that I'll have to miss yet another CNY next year. It definitely won't be easy to have to see pictures and videos of friends getting to spend time with their families on social media but, I know that it'll only be a matter of time til I'll be reunited with my family once again.

Happy Chinese New Year. 

Missing all of you terribly. <3

Love, Ainsley. 

Moving Forward.

A year ago, on this very day, I was at the lowest point of my life. You see, the one thing that made me really happy was taken away. I didn't even see it coming, but it happened. The next thing I knew, I was alone. I can't quite explain how I felt in one word, but I knew that I felt hurt, lost, and confused. 

The timing couldn't have been worst. Not only was it a few days before Christmas (seeing as I already felt sad that it was my first Christmas away from home), but it was also a day before my trip to LA. What followed within the next few days were countless breakdowns, a loss of appetite and really, just pure confusion. I'd go out, put a smile on my face and do all the touristy things with my friends but at the end of the day, I'd lay in bed wide awake just overthinking things. I'd wake up super early in the morning to lock myself in the bathroom and I'd just sit against a wall and cry my heart out. It was a daily occurrence throughout the week.

At that time, I didn't understand why it happened. I didn't understand why God did what He did. I could've easily been angry at God and really, it was tempting to do so but I decided that I was going to trust God. From the moment things ended, I made the choice to trust God and to pursue Him even more. I chose to move forward.

Instead of feeding my sadness with emotional songs, the only 2 albums that I listened to on my seven hour bus ride to LA was Steffany Gretzinger's The Undoing and Bethel's You Make Me Brave. These two albums really got me through this season, especially The Undoing - it was constantly on replay for most of the seven hour journey. This explains why the album is really significant to me. Also, after my morning breakdowns, I'd pick myself up and spend time with God right then and there. I spent hours just seeking Him and choosing to remain in His presence.

As time went by, the pain started to ease a little. I was more optimistic and I remember constantly praying that God would give me the opportunity to serve Him here in the States. What came out of that prayer was the opportunity to start an International Student Ministry small group with InterVarsity. It's crazy how the ISM small group came together but it was then that I was slowly starting to understand why God did what He did. 

Fast forward. I can now look back at how my life has been since then and I must say, the things that happened in the past year made me understand why things ended. I wasn't growing as a person and I was pretty much miserable here in the States because my heart was stuck back home. At times, I'd even feel guilty for leaving home and being able to have this life overseas. So there I was, having this amazing opportunity to study overseas but all I wanted to do was to go home. I was throwing away my golden ticket. 

My God is amazing and because He loves me, He wanted what was best for me. He took away what was not only causing my focus to shift away from Him, but He also took away what was holding me back from being able to fully experience life here with no guilt. I had to learn to trust Him even more and to let go of certain things in order for Him to truly move in my life in the way that He wanted it to. When my focus shifted back to Him, everything started to fall into place over time. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that time heals the pains of yesterday and God can not only free you from that pain, but He can also use it for His benefit. Today, I'm the best version of myself for now. I know that it can only go up from here. Although I was at my lowest on this day last year, I'm at my highest today. I have truly experienced His joy in my life and I don't ever want to turn back. This past semester was so crazy amazing because of the countless experiences that I was able to have. God gave me so many opportunities this past semester and it doesn't even end there. He continues to let me have amazing opportunities and experiences. I mean, here I am, sitting in SFO waiting to board what is only my first of many flights for the next three weeks. If I was still the person I was last year, would I be where I am right now? Would I allow myself to do these things so freely?

I think the most important lesson to me was that even though I felt so hurt and confused initially, I was not alone. God was with me and He was moving through my situation. Again, I didn't see it then but now when I look back, I can see how He was working through every detail of my life. If this situation didn't happen, I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today and I probably would not be doing what I'm doing today. I know that God used my situation for His benefit. Not only did my relationship with Him grow stronger, but my relationship with those around me grew stronger too. My family was a constant pillar of support during that rough season of my life and even though they were miles and miles away from me, their love and support was so evident. 

Today, I can look back and smile because I know that all that has happened was for the best. I'm proud of the person I am today because I know that God has brought me a long way from where I was. I may not have understood it then, but I now see the bigger picture of what He is doing in my life. The best part? I know this isn't the end. I know there's so much more to come, so much more that I can't even imagine.

He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ. In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.

Ephesians 1:9-11

Love, Ainsley.

"Who am I?"

I woke up today and felt ready to head back for the last few weeks of school. I had a great thanksgiving weekend away from the realities of life and I got to just sit, chill and not worry about assignments or finals. Even though I didn't want to leave Sacramento, I was looking forward to the next few torturous weeks of school that I had to endure because I just wanted winter break to come already. By some miracle, I had some time to spare before I had to head to school today. So, I decided to sit down and I spent some time with God. As I got further and further into my journalling, I realised that I was starting to go deeper into the things that were bothering me but did not really want to address. So many questions began going through my mind but the one question that kept repeating itself was, "who am I?" 

I'll be honest, I've been struggling with my identity. Yes, I know that I am a child of God and that I shouldn't have to struggle with these kinds of things but I'm still human, I have my doubts and fears. It may come as a surprise but those close to me know that I struggle a lot with my self-worth and often put myself down. I won't go too much into it for now, but it's just something that I've been constantly going through. Every time I struggle with something that has to do with my identity, God tends to show up and remind me of who I am. Today, it wasn't any different.

As I said, I kept questioning who I was. Why? For one, the things that I was once confident about was in a way, being taken away from me. I thought my skills weren't sufficient enough and it felt like I was no longer needed. In my mind, I was being replaced. I was also feeling hurt because in certain situations, credit wasn't being given where credit was due. I know I shouldn't expect anything when I give, but a part of me just always hoped that I'd at least get a bit of recognition or gratitude from whoever I'm doing a favour for. After all, it's a basic thing to say thank you or to give credit where credit was due, right?

Anyway, I went about my whole day feeling down and unsure of myself. I wasn't in any mood to be social. I couldn't wait to get home and to just be by myself but God's always funny, isn't He? I got home and everyone happened to be home too so I had to be social. Then, I decided to take a nice, hot bath to escape from everything but I was interrupted for a bit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming anyone. I actually find it quite funny right now. But at that time, man, it was hard. I wasn't getting what I wanted. On top of that, I was also developing a headache and was strongly considering skipping this meeting that I had to attend in the evening. I somehow ended up at that meeting in the end and I'm glad I chose to be present.

I once went through this tough week where I struggled to feel God. I was so tired and stressed up that I just wanted time to myself. I had so many weekly commitments to attend to and I just wanted to skip out on them but for some unknown reason, I chose to attend all those meetings even though I was quite reluctant. I found, however, that with every meeting I attended, God spoke to me and He slowly revealed more and more of Himself to me. It was crazy but it was happening. By the end of the week, I had been able to feel God once again. In fact, I felt Him so strongly at church that Sunday and it just so happened that the theme for that week was about perseverance. That's when I knew that it was God and that I wasn't alone that whole week. It didn't matter that I didn't feel Him, He was still there. He never left. "Faith > feelings." I will always remember this line that I heard from a sermon sometime ago. That's exactly what got me through that week and I'm glad that I held onto that.

Back to today, I made the same exact decision. I chose to attend the meeting even though I wanted to use my headache as an excuse and to just rest at home. In the end, the same exact thing happened as the previous time too. God showed up! I wasn't expecting anything and I definitely wasn't expecting for God to speak to me about my situation so soon but that's exactly what happened. I'm not quite sure what happened but during a time of prayer, I popped into one of my staff leader's mind. Later, he told me what he felt so strongly about. To my surprise, it had to do with what I was struggling with today. I was just mind blown at that point. God was reassuring me of my identity again and in a way, He was showing me the bigger picture. In my own blindness, I couldn't see that God had blessed me with multiple skills that I could use in different areas. I was so focused on the little details and thought that I was no longer significant that I couldn't see the bigger picture. My insecurities tried to take over once again but God wasn't having any of that!

I'm blessed because God placed certain people in my life to help me see things that I myself can't see. Whenever I'm in doubt of my own abilities, God uses the people around me to reassure me and remind me of the things that I fail to see. I'm ever grateful to Him for His faithfulness towards me. God is real, He is so SO real. It's amazing.

You give life, You are love

You bring light to the darkness

You give hope, You restore

Every heart that is broken

Great are You, Lord.

Love, Ainsley.

Life Update.

WARNING: Super long post ahead!

Also, all pictures are unedited so forgive me if they look really bad..

I've been meaning to blog more since I got back to the States but life's been so busy that every time I get some time to myself, I'd spend it either lazing around or just sleeping. I have tried to be more consistent in trying to blog but I'd usually go as far as writing half a post down, getting distracted by something else and then forgetting about it. I do want to at least write some brief things about my memories here however.

So many things have changed ever since I came back. I honestly wasn't looking forward to coming back to San Jose but at the same time, I was excited for a fresh start after my not-so-great summer break. After boarding that flight back to San Jose though, I got just what I wanted - a fresh start. The past few months have been a rollercoaster and I'm so glad for this journey that I get to experience. I've built closer relationships with the people around me and I genuinely have found people whom I can call family. I've also grown so much as a person and I've made big life-changing decisions that I know will cause me to grow even more!

I wanted to write down some of my memories of the past few months, just so I can reflect on what happened and see just how much I've been blessed since I came back.

IV FALL KICK-OFF BONFIRE

Had our first bonfire for the semester a few days after we landed. We drove up to a beach in Santa Cruz and ate a bunch of hot dogs while we chilled around a fire pit. The bonfire was meant to be a way for us to get to know some new people who were interested in InterVarsity. It was also an opportunity to catch up and spend time with old faces again after not having seen them over the summer.

BERSIH 4.0 SF

Decided to head up to SF for the Bersih gathering with a bunch of friends. In true Malaysian fashion, the event started late. It was pretty hot and stuffy but one thing's for sure, I have never felt so patriotic as I did then. It was such an overwhelmingly great feeling to see hundreds of Malaysians gather together because of their love for their home country. Despite being so far away from home, these people still cared deeply and wanted their voices to be heard. After all the speeches were done, we Malaysians did what we did best - we  ate till our hearts were content! There were tables filled with delicious Malaysian dishes. I was so glad to be able to eat authentic Malaysian food once again! It truly did feel like I was back home in Malaysia.

SJ BACON FEST

Yup, we went to a bacon festival to satisfy Cassie's bacon-needs. It was crazy, there was a whole lot of bacon on everything! There were food trucks selling bacon cupcakes, bacon garlic fries, bacon and cheese chicken wings and even bacon ice cream and bacon chocolate chip cookies. It was all pretty innovative and we left with a very happy Cassie!

RE:MAKE FEST // SF TRIP

This festival was really cool! There were shops selling independently-made items and different kinds of food. There were also booths where you could make your own souvenirs from the festival for free! It really stimulates your creative side and it's really inspiring too. Khanh, Cassie and I made magnets, necklaces and even our own tote bag. Safe to say that we spent a few hours in there just going through every stall/booth. After we were done, we met up with Ivan for dim sum (yum!) and we then did some touristy things after.

We went to Twin Peaks and Bakers Beach after lunch. I love going to beaches and Bakers Beach was really pretty in my opinion. It had a view of the Golden Gate Bridge in the background and there were huge rocks to climb on. Also, we were lucky enough to spot dolphins swimming around in the ocean! The wind was absolutely crazy though. 

SACRAMENTO // REDDING

Khanh, Cassie, Elle and myself stayed a night in Sacramento before driving up to Redding. David's family was kind enough to host us. He took us around to some spots in Sacramento with a couple of his friends. We went to Tower Bridge, Old Soul cafe, the mural and the state capitol. It was really nice getting to see these places but really, the best part was getting to meet David's family and friends. It really showed me that the people you surround yourself with shapes you into the person you are. David's parents were nothing but kind and loving to us throughout our short stay with them. His mom greeted each of us with a hug within the first minute of us stepping into his house and it was so comforting. It made me miss Mommy Yap so much! David's mom made bibimbap for dinner and it was the best bibimbap I've had. Meeting his parents was definitely a highlight for my trip. We left early the next morning to continue on our drive up to Redding. 

Our main purpose for this trip was to visit the Bethel church in Redding. After the long drive there, we finally reached just in time for the 8am service to start. It felt pretty surreal just being there. It was quite an experience for sure. After the service was over, we left for breakfast and decided to visit the Sundial Bridge. The bridge was really pretty and the nature surrounding it was pretty spectacular too! We walked around and took plenty of pictures there before leaving for Sacramento again.

We went to Gunther's, which was a famous ice cream shop. I didn't take any pictures with my camera but I have to say, the ice cream was pretty good! After we were done, we headed to Old Sacramento. There were plenty of shops to look at in Old Sac and we took our time going into interesting stores. I liked how Old Sac was full of secluded corners that made for great photo opportunities. I definitely took advantage of that, haha. After the sun went down, we had our dinner and headed back to San Jose.

21ST BIRTHDAY SURPRISE // ASILOMAR BEACH

 

Those close to me would know that I love the beach, especially during sunsets. And those super close to me would know that my favourite ice cream flavour is rum and raisin. For my 21st, my friends decided to plan a surprise celebration up on a beach in Monterey while the sun was setting. Not only that, I got homemade rum and raisin flavoured cupcakes! It was definitely the best surprise I've ever gotten. It was really touching to know that people were willing to drive up for more than an hour just to celebrate my 21st with me. Despite not being around family on that day, I was really happy just being around those close to me. In fact, a few of them actually spent my whole birthday weekend with me. It was crazy and we didn't get much sleep but I felt so loved and I knew that I was incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. It also made me super happy that Mommy Yap remembered my 21st. She actually mailed me a necklace that she'd been keeping for me for the day I turned 21. I thought my 21st birthday was going to be sucky but man, these people went all out. Can't wait to see how they're going to top that, (;

FALL CON 2015 

Spent my Halloween weekend in the woods with a bunch of IV students from different campuses all over the Bay Area. It was my first time at Fall Con and I had a pretty good experience. Over the course of the weekend, we spent time just worshipping God and getting to know Him more. It was definitely nice to see new and old faces from previous conferences. It was also nice to get to know and spend time with people from the same campus too! There was a Halloween party the first night and Cassie and I went dressed as sushi! That was my first time legit dressing up for Halloween, haha. My highlight from Fall Con would definitely be the decision I made during one of the sessions. God was definitely present and I'm glad that He impressed upon my heart certain visions and challenges. I'm super excited and can't wait for the things that He has in store for me in the future! 

ISM SF OUTING

Our International Student Ministry small group decided to take a trip up to SF for Veterans Day. We visited a few tourist spots like Pier 39, the Golden Gate Bridge and Union Square before having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. It was a day well spent exploring SF and getting closer to one another as a small group. Unfortunately for me though, I fell sick towards the end of the night. But despite that, it was a good trip altogether. I was also blessed enough to have people care for me while I recuperated the next day. (:

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I'm currently typing this from Sacramento, where I'm spending my Thanksgiving weekend with David's family who once again, was kind enough to invite us over. As I try to document all these events that happened over the past few months, I realised how incredibly blessed I am to be able to experience all these things. I know that I wouldn't have been able to have all these opportunities if it weren't for God. He first opened the door for me to come here at the right time and He's been so faithful ever since. I'm also blessed to have really supportive parents who worked hard to give me this opportunity to study abroad as well. Lastly, I'm so happy to be surrounded by people who have shown me genuine love and care these past few months. They've been a huge blessing to me with their endless support and friendship. It's crazy to think that all of this happened within a span of about 3-4 months, and this isn't even everything! 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

Love, Ainsley.